"I had to Die, To Live"

Here is the Beginning of my new book to be released in January of 2025

Momemento Mori =” Remember we must die to live.”

That’s how I felt when I woke up.

 I have the past lives that are slowly unveiling,

. I feel like the Marcus Aurelius mentioned in the Austin American Statesman in May of 1998, was this the same Marcus Aurelius of Rome that wrote Meditations., Then, I question my sanity. Ist this a dream, or maybe its possible. My Mom always told me that there were two other people who were unidentified at the scene and not mentioned in the article before emergency crew arrived. The collision happened in Round Rock, TX by Round Rock Express before Round Rock Express was there. I played on a little league girl’s softball team, I believe the name was Seratoma Fields. I grew up in Round Rock, and I have been in Austin for most of my life. “I toughed down in Dallas in 86’” like Drake but I was in Dtown. Moved to Round Rock in 1994 and graduated high school in 2005 at  Round Rock High school with a few A.P.Classes, and an above average g.p.a. Naturally I was going to Texas Christian Univeristy because my Daddy could afford it. He couldnt. But he was willing to throw out 30,000 a semester for me to pretend I fit in.

Shit, have you met  me today>?

I asked my Landlord recently in three words how would she describe me?

Her answer:

1. Eccentric 2. Different 3. Artistic

My therapist thinks I am resilient. She asked me recently what she thinks my top three words I would describe myself as, Her name is Natalie and I am so thankful for her and all the help from everyone that has been supportive through my recovery process. 

Let me introduce myself, 

MY

N

A

M

E

IS:

AMBER Panko, Panko, like the Japanese bread crumb you want to eat.

But, this time you want the whole loaf.

Not today, that's why I got my little Budda lil lookin’ ass dog, Ditka.

like Dick so much I need my Dog Dick-a because i couldnt get enough Dick—-A.

Nah, originally its after Mike Ditka of the Chicago Bear’s football team in the 1980’s. I have a lot of pun’s though, I am a firecracker and would describe myself as eccentric or idiosyncratic.

As adjectives I would say resilient, assertive, and courageous. My resilience has gone to another level of a strength and muscle i didn't know I had.

Today is Aug 6, 2024

And I am starting to come down from the hypomania , i notice the difference i took two visteral last night and I slept like Travis Scott, “I was out like a kite”. My life has always been unmanageable, I dont know whether its me or just that  I am alcoholic or why things are happening the way they are. My reading opened with a quote from Dorthy Parker,

“They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.

Hurricane Amber is what I like to call it. When Harvey hit in 2017 I was there, and my boyfriend seeing another manic and alcoholic episode. I am stating to conclude finally how catastrophic manic  fucking episodes are. I mean, does breaking a leg seem a little nuts after hearing your best friend shot herself in the face in front of her youngest daughter, London. I did not do it intentionally but the moments that week before were very telling that my body knew something my mind did not. When I was at H.E.B. which is our local grocery store, my body impulsive,y stocked up on medical supplies. Maybe because it eas summer, maybe because I get hurt alot, or rather I should say I put my self at risk alot to get hurt. The day of my bike accident, it was

How I knew I was in a Manic Episode 👍

1. I ordered myself a copy of Salvador Dali’s Maniac Eyeball with his face descriptive by larvae coming out of his eyeballs in his quest for how he will die

2. I ordered “Asylm” by WIlliam Seabrook, about an alcoholic in 1930;s prior to alcoholic anonymous and he was locked in a psych ward, also has a front cover depicting a distressed man on the front page in agony

3. I ate a caterpillar 

4. I start thinking that I am a genius again, and up with the elites such as Salvador Dali or Wayne Dyer and I think I am going to be some spiritual guru in reality I am a-felon,  with 4 DWIs, 3 PIS, and who the fuck else knows what else is on the rack- sheet. Not the kind of racks- you want. I got racks of charges. I am a baddie, if that’s the new word for a bad bitch. 

One remarkable trait of mine that I admire, is my ability to not only survive, which in latin means live over, but to persist in these turbulent times.

 The word survive comes from the Latin word supervivere, which literally means "to outlive" or "live beyond". The word is made up of the prefix super-, which means "over" or "beyond", and the Latin root -viv-, which means "life", "alive", or "lively". 

The efficacy of my eccentricities began to be intriguing and my alleged madness appeared as proof of my extraordinary temperament. I realized that my episodes put people in fear and I somewhat had created a beneficial confusion all around me. I felt alone. So, naturally I act out more, subconsciously or consciously to gain attention. Because I feel alone, it is easier to throw a tantrum to gain attention, then to just go on my merry way. And somehow like Salvador Dali, I like the chaos. It is calming after the storm. You will never understand the calm of the storm, until after Huricanne Amber hits. That is how horrific and terrifying it is to personally have a manic episode. They normally last a few weeks for me. My psychiatrist has told me that I am a rapid cycler, meaning I have a few episodes per a year.

So let me just encapsulate what happened from May 2024- today’s date which is 8-9-2024. 

I lost my job due to inviting a date overinto my office after hours to have some adult fun. I was a n office manager for a cleaning company, and I had my own office. Well, I was planning on going to the Domain later, and was horny. So naturally, I enticed my date to come inside. He wasnt just a  date, I was dating the guy at the time,. He was this taller gentleman named Michael. Michael and I were a like because we both suffer with alcoholism and A.D.H.D. So we got along, until we didnt because of the similarities in personality. Anyway, he was there the day I got Baptised for my third time and asked me why I wanted to get Baptized again, “Does that mean that you are forgiven and your slate is clean once you get Baptized? You get to start your sns all over?”Asked Michael. I said, “precisely”. Haha, the real reason was I wanted to affirm and recommit my faith and rebuild my church family. I was raised in a Christistian Home and we went to Northwest Fellowship here in Austin and then to Shoreline Christian Center. Now I attend Restore Austin on S. Congress at Lively Middle School if anyone wants to see an unbiased come as you, this is your church.

Now if they are accepting of me. Well, They dont know all of me yet, but so far, even after telling a girl from church why I named my Dog Ditka, “Dick-a”, because I am not chasing no Ditka, or “He is the only Dick- I need”, I wasnt thrown out and told not to come back for my profane mouth.

Practive Prudence Amber. I talk to myself often. People think that I am crazy, and they are right, remember, I have 5 different DSM;s. The D.S.M. is the bible for psychiatrist’s, its the DSM-5-TR is the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States.

Oh, let’s not forget th

At I am an alcoholic too. 

So far the racks of rap sheet and the rap of my disorders are quantifying them selves in multiples now. So who really is the crazy one? Ah, so at the point. I just come clean to the world. Stop living in my head and live out loud. That is what this book is about. My life experiences, through the dark days, through the light, and redefining who I am and who I want to become. My Brother’s second wife Madison, I call her M2 because I do not like the woman, and Jake’s first wife was Michelle, therefore, Michelle is M1, and Madison is M2 because we are not to speak of Michelle. 

I will further explain this later, but let me tell you a little secret. My family is fucked up. Where do you think I got this shit from. Haha. I just live my shit out loud. Others are better at hiding it. But not for long. My world is about to be on Blast. Yes, I can be volatile, after all I do call myself, “Ember, the flame you cant put out”.

Robert Greene in the 48 Laws of Power states, “Don't go halfway with them or give them any options whatsoever. If you leave even one ember smoldering, it will eventually ignite. You can't afford to be lenient”