Ember Alert

Not Amber alert.

Amber was not kidnapped.

Amber died. She killed herself.

Death by Suicide.

I read the obituary section in the Austin Statesman this morning. I was relieved to not see anyone I know. And thankfully my family did not have to read my name in the obituaries.

August of 2022 I spent the majority in the hospitals. I had 5 different E.R. trips and was taking an ambulance like it was an uber. Thankfully I reached out for help. Thankfully my roommate found me on the floor after having 2 seizures. I took enough pills that time, I was sure I would fall asleep. I was in another manic state in August of 2022. And I was determined to die. The only thing that stopped me as I had a knife to my throat was the face of my little dog Ditka staring back at me. And I called an Uber to the E.R. at Dell Seton downtown. If I was going to be in the hospital-I wanted a view. I made my rounds to all the hospitals that August, and Dell Seton was the newest and nicest.

You cant imagine the feeling of death seeping from every strand of your body. Every morning I would wake up wondering why I was still alive and cultivate new ways to detonate myself. Thankfully I am here to tell my story. Some of us aren't so lucky. The purpose of sharing my story is to help create understanding of mental health and to lessen the stigma.

From the outside, I have it all. I am 5'10'" 36 DDD size 6 and I have a bachelors in Business Marketing from Texas State University. I am tall, athletic, intelligent, and creative. That is probably the worst part about it, I am too pretty to be sad. Or I have so much potential. That is the typical response I would hear from others after hearing my story.

What if none of that matters when you wake up and all you want to do is die. I would scream out, "Why God? Why? Why am I still here?"

Sept 4, 2022 I finally received an answer. After all the attempts, indirect suicide, and direct suicide attempts, I came to the reason, I was here to help others. I am here to share my story of pain, strength, and hope. Through my vulnerability and weaknesses, others can gain insight, understanding, and hope.